(See this picture on Flickr)

Lake cover

Deference vs. Indifference

There used to be a time
when things used to be simple.
I’d wake up, rub my eyes, sit up straight, close my eyes,
And pray that He will continue to guide me
as He had done the previous day.
There used to be a time
when I used to love the aroma
of the stick when it burned,
lighting up my day with the secret enchantments,
as if the secrecy itself was the source of my happiness.

There used to be a time
when coming home after a bad day,
I’d sit on my bed and join my hands and close my eyes
and quietly shed a tear.
The statues didn’t move or speak or whisper,
but I felt assured that somehow those little stones
were the only ones who listened to me
and answered back.

But now,
I wake up and lie on my bed for hours,
watching the fan complete circles after circles after circles,
as if I was stuck in the middle while everyone else around me
kept going through life as if it was such an easy task.
But now,
The smell of the burning stick nauseates my senses,
the secret spells make me mad,
the constant enchantings feel as if someone lit a person on fire
while they were sleeping.
But now,
when I come back home after a bad day,
to the empty apartment echoing with silence so loud
I worry my neighbors will start complaining -
Even crying for hours doesn’t help.

Sometimes I think,
what use is consciousness
if it doesn’t make you happy but slowly takes away
whatever little sanity you had left
second by second.
Sometimes I worry,
Did I make a mistake in choosing not to follow blindly?
Does asking questions that nobody has answers to
makes me more alive
or merely leaves me more broken and naive and stupid?
Is ignorance really bliss?

I still go to churches and mosques and temples,
the difference being it was deference before,
and now it’s curiosity about the people who go there
and indifference to the thing they pray to.

Sometimes I wonder,
There really is no answer, is there?

A poem I wrote when I had troubles accepting myself. Still do, to be honest.